Thinking, overthinking, and anxiety…

…thanks to days of sickness, hospital, and way too much time to think!

The last 2-3 months have been pretty crazy in my life, plenty of ups and downs, a little worry and stress, a break from regular home and mum duties, and some very much needed rest.
It started off with a head cold that moved into my chest, and a cough that lingered for several weeks longer than it should have. Then it was couple of weeks of feeling better, followed by another hard knock of the flu, a visit to the doctor who ran some tests, and said to return the following morning for more blood tests. The following morning, he said he believed it was pneumonia, and admitted me to hospital. I was attached to an IV (who became my good mate Norman) for antibiotics for the pneumonia, and fluid because I was pretty dehydrated. Norman and I were inseparable besties for 3 days, then we were intermittently joined for another day and a half, and then tragically he had to leave me. But that was okay, it was positive, because he’s only a great support for sick people! It meant I was improving.

All up, I was in the hospital for 6 days, did about 3 different courses of antibiotics, and then was sent home to finish getting the rest and recover fully. But it wasn’t happening for me! Although I could get plenty of rest and sleep, my cough wasn’t improving, and then it grew worse. My doctor sent me to a specialist in Toowoomba, we had more tests and scans, and then we were told I had a partial lung collapse in the left lung, and then my regular doctor told me it was the same in my right! So lots of drama, coughing and pain later, we have a diagnosis and are working towards improving this, with lots of physio and breathing exercises and so forth. But so much time resting gave me so much thinking time (when I wasn’t binge-watching my latest choices of TV series!), and my thoughts have been crazy lately.

“Solitude can be a dangerous spell of strength…”
~ Michael Yammine ~

I had a lot of solitude, and it really was just this. A spell of strength, a time for me to process thoughts in peace, a time for me to get myself together. However, solitude for me also equals thinking, overthinking, poetry writing, overthinking, blog drafts being written, stressing, overthinking, contemplating, and a lot more thinking. Yes – I overthink a lot – pretty much any and every situation. It’s just what I do. In the back of my head are a lot of those thoughts from the past few weeks, still juggling about; some thoughts bother me, yet other thoughts don’t.
This is a bit of what my brain has been like, in no particular order:

Okay I’m in hospital now… it’s good to be able to get a break… but I’ve never felt so sick in my life! Wait what if they aren’t telling me everything and it’s so much worse than they’re saying – AM I GOING TO DIE?? No wait… I can’t. That would be silly I don’t need to jump to that conclusion… I just need to deal right now. Distractions are necessary.
Need to write something. *eventually gets notebook brought to in hospital* *starts writing poems*
Do I write short or long? Do I blog? Post them on my instagram? The writing community there have been so great… I’m letting people down by not writing on there…
Oh hey, speaking of letting people down, I haven’t written on my blog for over a MONTH… probably like nearly TWO MONTHS… that was meant to be a positive and good thing. Then some of the posts kind of went dark. I have so many drafts I need to get back to.
I was going to interview people… I even had 4 volunteer for me as soon as I brought up the idea! HOW DO I DO THAT!
Oh right poems. No, a short story. That dream of writing a book. What genre will it be? What really is my niche, and what audience am I really aiming at?
No wait I can’t write… my head feels too messy because I can sense the depression returning. That means it could be a few days before I can deal with anyone or anything. Let’s push everyone away, that’s what we need to do now…

SO MANY THINGS IN MY HEAD. That is hardly even a handful, and it’s all relating to blogging and writing.
Then there were the things about God and the Bible and life…
Then the guilt of not speaking so much to God through all of this sickness, the stress and worry because I hadn’t surrendered and committed it to God, so there was so much fear of what other complications could come up while I was still so unwell. 
The need to try to continue with my Bible reading/study yet not having the energy or being able to focus for long enough… followed by the guilt I put myself under for not doing the reading.
The worry for some of my other friends who were not doing so well… the fear of something going terribly wrong for them… the fear of losing them to one of the worst things – mental illness, the infernal reality of depression and other illnesses.
Then the remembering that God has it all under control… we don’t know what will happen, but if I give Him my worry, I don’t need to hold on to it. That’s the key right there – handing it over. Surrender. This is still followed by more anxiety for their sake and for many other reasons, but it’s just something I really need to work on in my life.
Julie… just stop thinking now. Close your eyes, take a breath, and remember that God’s got this, and you only need to take one step at a time. You’re not crazy or overreacting… just thinking too hard.

So there were a few moments in the thoughts of Julie for you; a few of the thought trains (that tend to derail here and there, it gets pretty dramatic at times).
I imagine some of this sounds a little (or more than a little, perhaps) crazy to some of you, or even maybe like I’m just overreacting to life. It feels a tad crazy (but I think that’s just because it’s where my mind is at the moment). I don’t currently see myself overreacting; I just see it as overthinking, and something I need to learn to deal with. Right now though, I’m just writing. Simply writing from my heart, from my mind, just about life. Sometimes this is what I something I need to do for my own benefit, it can really be quite therapeutic! If I can write some of this out here, I almost feel as though I have actually dealt with it, and I can get some of it out of my head. So I thank you for reading this and being a support to my blog as I deal with life and thoughts… you wonderful readers are an encouragement to me (especially you who are my close friends – biggest thank you to you for putting up with me, especially in these weird frames of mind I end up in!)

Something I have learned through all of this, though, which is also something I feel we all need to take in to account, is that no matter how much we think or how much we worry, it never changes the outcome. As one who suffers from anxiety disorder, I know how HARD it is to simply “not worry”! But just pause, and take a moment. Breathe. Remember that you actually don’t need to be in control of every situation. Because the One Who created you and has plans for you and for the greater good is in control. He loves you endlessly, He will be forever merciful. He is eternally faithful, and you will never walk alone

All the crazy drama in my head (probably only 1/3 of it is shared with you above) doesn’t need to be there. All you worries and fears don’t need to be in your head either. It’s not wrong to feel anxious or worried… God just doesn’t want you to be, simply because He loves you. So don’t forget that, and don’t give up. Because there is a big and beautiful plan for the greater good that God has in the making, and YOU are in it! 

Love (and a hug) to anyone having a rough day. You can do it! You will make it, and everything will be okay.

Julie xo

P.S. I hope that now I’m starting to feel better I’ll be able to write a little more… you should be hearing from me a little more frequently from now on! x

Editor’s note: My apologies to my email subscribers who received this via email and it looked like a mistake! We had a slight technical error when publishing this post and things didn’t work as they should. The problem has been corrected now for next time 🙂