There was that moment in time, when things stood still
All seemed well, the birds sang, the sky was blue, tiny flowers quivered in the gentle breeze.
But something was there. Lingering in the darkness. Waiting for the moment it could pounce on you, its unknowing prey.
Suddenly, that moment was gone. The darkness splits open and the monster surges out, snatching, clawing, grabbing. It seizes. Things begin to blur, your mind whirls, and you gasp, and try to cry out… but no sound comes.
It’s grip is tight, and you struggle to free yourself… but with each struggle, you grow weaker. You feel the downward spiral, the dragging feeling, and the panic and dread fill every part of your body as you fight, clutch at anything that might hold you up, from being dragged down, in to the suffocating blackness of the pit.
Every moment seems to last an eternity. You fight. Struggle. Try to breathe. But the tightness, the pain, the constriction; you’re unable to get in a full breath. But it’s too late.
The heavy darkness engulfs you and you lose consciousness, lost in the swirl of blackness, alone. It’s another world, and your heart lurches in panic, as deep down you realise that you have been here before. The nightmares begin… but they are not nightmares. They are real.
In the blackness, you feel things, you see things. Ones you prayed you would never see again. You ache inside as the feelings of emotionless, dull agony begins to overwhelm you. You’re all consumed by these feelings, and it becomes unbearable. You feel numb. The overwhelming need to feel sets in, and you try to reach out… trying to get a hold of anything that will make you feel again. Trying to breathe, you reach out your shaking hands, reaching for what made you feel before… what gave you the sense of feeling just the smallest amount human. But… amidst the darkness… there is something else…
A tiny star faintly twinkles through the blackness. Is it real? Or is it a dream? Something about it brings a small glimmer of hope. You see more of them peeking through the heavy blackness, and you begin to hear a soft voice, faintly in the mist. It’s not clear, but then you think you hear another… and another. They’re almost inaudible, but the voices sound so familiar. Your heart aches because you can’t see where they are, or what they are saying. The restless feelings race to the surface and you begin to struggle again. In your mind you suddenly remember the monster that still has a hold of you, and with all your might you manage to draw in a shuddering breath. Your mind clears, just the tiniest amount, but it is enough for the deep blackness of the pit to become all too real again. With shuddering sobs, you cry out, crying for anyone – anything – that will hear you. You feel broken. Shattered. Lost.
But the voices! Suddenly, they are clearer. Faint, but you can hear them. It is the voices of the ones who love you, calling out to you to come home, praying to God to bring you back. Something about that makes you feel like things might be okay… you almost begin to hope… hope that things will be better one day, that you’ll feel again, and that there might be a way out of this hellish pit.
The terrifying monster still has its tight grip around you, and the pain in your chest is still unbearable. But you know you have been here before. You came through this not only once, but many times before, and there has always been a way out. Once again, the tears stream down your face, the sobs rack your chest, and you can hardly breathe. It is agony, and you can’t tell which is worse – the physical pain, the emotional pain, or the dreaded numbness, because you feel it all at once. Feeling everything. And nothing. All at once.
And then all at once, life seems to go on. You gasp as life seems to whirl you off your feet, it seems to drag you, as you are held down by the weight of the monster, that is still clutching at you. You have no choice but to go on. It’s strange, how amidst the blackness, life sweeps in and carries on, and although you are stumbling, you keep going too. Your mind is still a hurricane of thoughts, and you can’t even place all of them or even make sense of them. But you keep going. It was a relapse. They happen. You can’t control when the monster will strike, or when you will trip and stumble into the deep bottomless pit again, but every time, you just have to remember, “this too shall pass”. It’s not the end. It hurts. It hurts like hell, and you want nothing more than to end the pain. But you have to keep going. You have to fight. The relentless grip is still tight around you, and you are in pain. Your soul is tired. You don’t want to fight it anymore. But remember, this is not the end. This too shall pass. Close your eyes and breathe… take your mind back to that beautiful moment where everything was right. Breathe in the fresh air, the perfume of the flowers, the grass, and listen to the sounds of the birds, and the wind as it whispers through the tree. This too shall pass. Life is tough, my darling, but so are you. This too shall pass.
