“Hush little baby, don’t you cry, daddy’s gonna sing you a lullaby… everything’s gonna be alright – you have the strength to make it through tonight.”
It had been raining for two days. She shivered. It was so cold after the unbearable heat wave. But, she thought, at least she was feeling.
It had been an unbelievably hard week. Two weeks. Month. How long had it even been?? She couldn’t remember. It always crept up so gradually and quietly, that she didn’t often notice its presence, until it had already taken over. As she lay there in the darkness, wishing sleep would take over, the lullaby played over and over in her head, the different words than the original one. “Hush little baby, don’t you cry, daddy’s gonna sing you a lullaby… everything’s gonna be alright – you have the strength to make it through tonight. Hush little baby, don’t you cry, don’t cut your arms, don’t say goodbye… put down that razor, put down that knife – it may be hard, but you’ll win this fight.” Over and over it played in her mind, as she lay there in the cold darkness, fighting the pain and the urge to feel something else. How long could this continue?
Suddenly, she realised it was morning. She had drifted off into a restless sleep, but it was sleep nonetheless. Time to begin a new day. “Good morning it’s a beautiful day!” “Smile!” “Why aren’t you happy?” All these things were flung at her too quickly. She struggled to find answers for him as he asked questions and tried to cheer her up. It wasn’t that she was unhappy. She didn’t choose to feel this way! She felt that she died a little inside whenever anyone threw such questions at her; she didn’t have any answers or any way to help them to understand. Why couldn’t people just accept her for the way she was? If she was happy, that’s great! But if she couldn’t be the bright smiling face all the time, couldn’t he stop hassling her? Why wouldn’t they leave her alone, why did no one understand?? She was tired. Always tired. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and every way possible. No amount of sleep would help. She was always overwhelmed. Always on the edge of a breakdown. Always edgy, because she always felt like crap. But what was the use of explaining it anymore? He wondered why she was easily upset and she was extra irritable. But how could she explain to him that it was because these awful feelings never seemed to change? How could she say that things were just no better at the moment? Sure, they would get better eventually, but right now she had to accept where she was at and face it. Denying it didn’t help, pretending she wasn’t in pain only made it worse. The easiest thing for her to do was when she saw the darkness, to acknowledge it, say I see you, let it take its course, and then move on. Right now, she was letting it take its course. The best way for her to do that was to be allowed her own space, to let her thoughts go, and to not be questioned about her tiredness or irritability. She wished with all her heart she could help him understand.
Somehow, she made it through that long day. Then the night came again. The horrible blackness. The cold hours of silence, where she felt truly alone. Days were hard enough to get through, but nights… nights were unbearable. She had sleeping pills, which sometimes helps, but even then she still awoke all through the night and had terrible nightmares during the times that she did sleep. But it was night, and she had to acknowledge it, say I see you, and accept it. She lay in her bed, overthinking her overthinking. The numbness came back, and the anxiety spiralled round and round until she felt dizzy and out of breath… how long could this go on for?? She felt so emotional and began to break down crying, but she felt so numb that she couldn’t cry… and that terrified her. She gasped for breath as the panic consumed her. She was so frightened. Frightened of herself. Of her feelings. She reached out in the darkness, she wanted to find a sharp object so she could feel… something… and then the lullaby was back. “…everything’s gonna be alright, you have the strength to make it through tonight.” She wished she could cry. She wanted to, no, needed to feel. “Hush little baby don’t you cry, don’t cut your arms, don’t say goodbye… put down that razor, put down that knife – it may be hard but you’ll win this fight.” The words kept playing over and over… she kept fighting… yes it was hard, she didn’t think she could make it… wrestling with your own thoughts is the hardest battle ever. She didn’t think she could fight anymore. And she poured out her heart to God. She begged him to help her, to give her the strength to keep fighting. She pleaded with him, asking him to heal her from this awful darkness, to save her from the deep, endless pit she was falling into. But then she asked him that if it was not time to save her from it yet, that he would give her the strength, courage, and patience she needed to keep going. Just enough to get through this night. This moment. This hour. The wee hours of the morning. She took it moment by moment, that was the only way she knew how to face it. And she knew that God’s strength was in her, she knew that with him there was no need to give up. She kept fighting. And guess what? She made it through that night. She made it through, and so will you. Hush now, don’t cry, don’t give up, continue the fight… you will make it through the night.
If you are struggling, don’t ever be afraid to reach out for help. You are precious, you are loved. Don’t give up the fight. If she can do it, if she can make it through that dark moment, then so can you. To you who is reading this, may you have a blessed day, or night, and may the Lord always give you the strength you need to make it through the next moment.
Julie xo
