One day, everything is perfect. And then the next? The darkness is back, and it’s threatening to take over. Again.
The sky is a beautiful rich blue, velvety and bright, but then in the distance, clouds begin to appear. They are just beginning to scatter across the horizon, puffy and white, and to start with, you think nothing of it. Until they roll in a little closer of course, and you see that they are a shade of light grey, and they start to increase in size and number. The greyness intensifies, and they are no longer light grey, but dark and threatening. The wind begins to blow, gently at first, but then it grows cold. You shiver as you sense a storm coming, but what can you do to stop it? Nothing. You can only prepare yourself as best you can. You hate the darkness. The foreboding, angry sky with clouds churning, and the coldness that comes with it. It makes you feel so alone and small, but there is nothing you can do except wait it out, praying for the calm, blue sky to return.
This is anxiety. This is depression. Out of nowhere, it creeps in. It’s like a storm that brews and then suddenly hits… You might have a sense of something coming, but you feel like you’re okay. It’s the calm before the storm. And then the storm hits. You feel as though a hurricane has struck, and the wind is constantly whipping through you; fiercely blowing through your mind, striking you deep within your very soul.
As your mind spins, you grow cold. The wind won’t stop. You shake, gradually losing control over your senses. Gasping for air, you curl up, trying to breathe and at the same time trying to shelter yourself from the vicious storm. But you can’t get shelter from a storm that’s inside you. You can’t escape from something inside you. In your mind. In your soul. It’s there, and there is nowhere to hide. There is no way out.
You spend each waking moment just waiting for it all to end, waiting for it to be over. The anxiety runs havoc in your mind, and the depression pulls you under the waves. Again. This has happened before, and many times. And each time, you have come through it. So you know it is possible. But right now… it just seems too far out of reach. Like you will not see the light of day again.
“You’ve come so far,” they say. “You’re strong enough to do this now.” “All you have to do is just get up and do it.” “You’re better than you were, so you’re fine now.” Really? Is that really what you think? I’m sorry you are so blind and naive. I’m sorry you have such little understanding of how I feel. How all of us who suffer from this feel. Yes, I am stronger. Yes, I have made it through before. Yes, I am doing better than I was. But no, I am not better yet. I’m still broken, but I am healing. I’m 99% sure I’ll pull through this again, but that doesn’t make it any less of a struggle. That doesn’t make it an easier fight.
One day, I will see the light again. One day, I will be free. But right now, the darkness has returned. Darkness, I see you. I acknowledge you. And I will ride this out again, and then you will leave me alone, and we will be okay. You might try to hurt me, but I will get through this. I am not strong enough, but I don’t have to be. My God is strong enough, and He is fighting for me. So I know you will not better me. You are there, but you will not win. I will always fight you. And with God, I will always win.
If you are struggling, don’t give up. Stay strong. But most of all, just stay. You will make it through the storm, you will make it out of the darkness. You will see the light again. Just believe.
Julie xo
Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash