2022 hasn’t been the worst year. I feel like 2020 will always take the cake on that one. But here we are, two more years done, wrapping it up to start the next, like we do every year. I think, though, that the time comes round much faster each year. What a wild ride.
For me, 2022 has been a year of growth. I have become increasingly resilient, and am becoming more emotionally fit and healthy, which balances out the ever growing cynicism. Throughout this past year, I have been on a growth path with my therapist which is helping me to no end. I have achieved things I never thought possible for me, and am heading down paths I never could have imagined.
I’m in the middle of deconstructing old dreams, and replacing them with new ones. It’s funny isn’t it, when we make plans for our lives and then we are thrown a curveball and our plans never come to fruition. I had plans. Amazing plans. For a long time I grappled (and still do) with wondering why God would have placed desires in my heart to only allow them to end up torn to pieces in the dust, never to come to pass. I still don’t know why, but as I look back upon the last couple of years, I see how the path was slowly being paved for the way I am walking now. It’s not in that same direction at all, not even slightly. But I am learning that it’s okay to change your mind. It’s okay to dream a new dream, and to choose a different path than the one you ‘planned’. Sure, the failed ones will always be a sore point. But I am learning to deal with that a bit at a time, as I begin moving forward in a different direction.
I want to invest in my relationships. My marriage, my family, and my inner circle of people, my tribe. We need each other more than we ever did, and it will only be more so as the world continues to spiral (seemingly) out of control. We need to lean on each other and share our joys and our sorrows. I need my tribe now, because I lost someone. I lost a very dear friend to suicide, and only found out a few days ago. I’m flying through the turmoil of grief, alone, while trying to enjoy what is supposed to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year’. My friend took his life on the 13th of December. I can’t help but wonder if I had replied to that last message, if I had arranged that coffee catch up, if I had only reached out, could I have made a difference in the outcome? I’ll never know. But my heart hurts from this loss so terribly, and all I can say is check in on your loved ones. The strong ones, the weak ones, the quiet ones, the loud ones. Check in. Reach out. Catch up. Hug. Be there. Just be there.
My two words for going into 2023 are these: Hope, and growth. Hope in God, and growth in myself. I am filled with gratitude when I am reminded of how God isn’t afraid of our mess. He isn’t afraid of us, our raw, real, messy, authentic selves, and He meets us where we are at. Because if He didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to walk with Him, to grow myself to my full potential and fulfil whatever He will have me do.
Entering a new year doesn’t feel easy for me. I am tired, I am grieving, and I feel very lost. Maybe you do too. But that’s okay. We don’t have to have it all together all the time. We don’t have to know where we are headed, as long as we keep pushing forward. We just need to remember that we aren’t alone; we are fully seen, fully known, and fully loved.
Something that has helped me get through the last month has been listening to reminders through spoken word poetry by Tanner Olson. If you haven’t heard of him, please go check him out, @writtentospeak on social media, or his website Written to Speak. Being reminded that it’s okay. That I’m not behind. That I’m not a mistake. That there is hope. That there is God. That there is God. I say that twice to remind myself. Because God is not afraid of our mess. I hope that someone who reads this might discover Tanner and be encouraged the way I am.
Since it is late and five minutes to midnight on new years eve, I think I’ll wrap up here. I have rambled a lot (tiredness does that to me). So with that, happy new year my dear friends. Thank you for supporting me and my writing endeavours, and I will try to be a little more diligent with posts this coming year. Exciting changes are coming and I’m looking forward to sharing this journey with you.
With love,
Julie