Hey lovely people. This is a bit of a story and a few of my thoughts, straight from the heart. My thoughts and feelings on recovery, and how I am going with feeling okay.
Sometimes the craziness of life gets the better of us, and we get very quickly overwhelmed, especially if how we feel confuses us. I always used to feel so confused; sometimes feeling even more messed up on the “good days”. I would “wait for the crash” whenever I felt okay, because the good days all seemed too good to be true. How could I be feeling okay? How long would this last for before I slid back into the darkness? But I don’t do this anymore.
Something that I have been teaching myself how to do is to accept the bad days, and embrace the good ones. If I have a bad day, I tell myself that it’s okay and to stick it out, because it WILL be better soon. The bad days don’t last. Why? Because I am feeling better. I am recovering.
Then on the good days: I feel good today? How fantastic! What a win! Let’s enjoy this and do what I can, for however long I feel this great! It may only be for a day, but it could be two days… it could be a week… it could even be two or four weeks, or even longer! But however long it is, let’s embrace it and make the most of it!
But when the darkness rolls in again, that’s where the biggest test comes to try me. It can still hit me at any time. By “it”, I mean the depression. I mean the anxiety. I mean the shadowy feeling of absolute doom and hopelessness. I can be with my friends or my family, among the people who love me and who I love so much, and then like a storm cloud rolls in, “it” suddenly hits me. I feel like the air has been squashed out of my lungs, and like I am struggling to walk through a fog so thick that it is holding me back. It is literally a fight to hold my head above the waves. But I know what I have been through, and if I can get through that, I can get through this. If I focus, I can make it through.
With the strength from the Lord, the support from my close people, my new-found attitude towards life and feelings, and the resilience I have gained, this is doable. I have had some dark days that I don’t ever want to repeat. But because I got through those days, I know I can get through the days ahead, regardless of what is to come.
It is through the strength of God that I can face every day. Because He lives and loves me I can keep on going. And it is by His grace and mercy that I am still here. And I will be okay.
I also need to do a shout out to my incredible support people. My husband. My parents. My big brother/prayer buddy. My pastor. The friends I can visit for no reason other than to just exist with them for the day. And the couple of friends who have been there for me regardless of the time, be it day or night, but are always just a message or call away. You all mean the world to me, and without each of you I would not be where I am at today. You’ve been there for me, prayed for me, supported me, and made me feel worth it, and shown me that my life is precious and meaningful. I wish there could be a way for me to thank you that would actually show the amount of love and gratitude I have for every single one of you!
If you are struggling today, I just want to remind you not to give up. I know it “easy for me to say” this when I am doing okay, but I also wanted to say this last night when I was in a darker place, and last week when I was struggling. I say it to myself, and I say it to you. The clouds will blow away, and at the end of even the darkest night, the sun will always rise again. We will all be okay. This is why I want to share my stories, and encourage as many people as I can.
Just yesterday, I was offered the opportunity to speak to a small group of ladies next month at a prayer breakfast. My response was automatic: “But I’m not a speaker! I don’t speak, I write!” Their response: “Then write it down and read it.” I said that I write about life things, my family, God, and mental health, and I was greeted with the response that that’s just what they want to hear. I’m so grateful to be given more opportunities to share with others, so that those who are hurting might find a way to see the light, just like I can now. Some days it is dim, but now, it is always there.
So stay strong, people. And embrace the good days. Don’t wait for that next burnout or meltdown, but take every day in your stride and make the most of it! If you are struggling right now, I am proud of you for making it through today. Keep up the incredible work of living that you are doing, and remember that every day is a day closer to healing. You made it through another day, well done. And if you’re feeling great right now, I’m proud of you too! Congratulations, you are feeling good! Keep living, and keep going. Because in the end, we will all be okay. And if we aren’t okay, then it isn’t the end.
Sending love and hugs all round. Keep looking up, and be kind to yourself and to those around you, for we are all fighting some sort of battle.
Julie xo
