Part III: How to help a loved one with a mental illness
Do you have a friend or family member who is struggling with mental illness? The way you respond to them can have a massive impact, but it’s hard to know if it will be negative or positive. Here are some important things to know about what to say and how to help.
It can be difficult to understand what someone is going through, especially if you haven’t been through it yourself. You might get frustrated with them because this doesn’t seem as “real” to you. But please know, our problems are real. Our illness is real. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t change the reality of it. I’d like to offer a few tips to help you to understand us and what we are going through:
- Don’t underestimate how serious these conditions can be. Depression and anxiety can be severely debilitating. It drains us of motivation, energy, and joy. We aren’t choosing to feel down and depressed, it isn’t something that we can control. It is an illness, and it makes us experience crazy highs and lows at times.
- A mental illness isn’t something you can just “fix”. It’s an illness. It needs time, and even sometimes medication or a different sort of treatment.
- There are so many different symptoms, some of which include us feeling unwell, tired, headachey, and also being angry and irritable. This moodiness often occurs when we are heading on a downwards spiral and can’t even seem to work out our own feelings. Please, don’t take this personally. It’s not you. It’s our brains.
Now here are a few tips of what not to say to someone who is struggling:
- It’s all in your head, just snap out of it.
- Just get over it.
- You can just choose to be happy, you don’t need to feel depressed.
- Stop being lazy.
- Don’t be silly, you’re just making it up.
- You’re just trying to seek attention.
- You said you’d be fine in this situation, what’s wrong with you?
- We all get a bit depressed sometime, you’ll be fine.
We don’t need to hear things like that. The things you say can either make or break our road to recovery, and those statements above are just the wrong way to go. That hurts like hell, and it will only cause us to stop confiding, close up, and not reach out when we desperately need it. I asked some people who also struggle with their different mental health conditions if they could share some things with me. Here is what they said when asked “What is something that you would like your loved ones to know about your mental illness? And what do you need to hear from people when you are really struggling?”
- “My mental health condition is very real – not something I would or do make up for attention or any other reason. It’s as real as the diabetes that runs in the family.”
- “When I go for weeks or months without direct contact, I’m not being an arse – it’s my condition. Sometimes I have crippling social anxiety or depression that makes it impossible to talk to the people that I love the most. Other times, my Bipolar disorder sends me into a manic spiral and I’m protecting others by not exposing them to that side of me. I can’t help it – but I do still love my friends and family, no matter what havoc my Bipolar is unleashing.”
- “When I’m at my lowest i will never ask for help but need support to cope, even if its just a hug. And protecting me from your feelings by [not talking to me] when I’m not coping is the worst thing you can do, as it gets me lower, because I don’t know were you are at then I and feel I’ve done something to hurt you.”
- “Well being married and having three kids I would want to hear that it’s okay for me to take time for myself and sort things out in my head.”
- “I need to hear ‘No matter what… I believe in you and I’m always with you. Even if you can’t speak or are struggling to open up, it’s okay but I’ll always support and be with you.’
- “Please don’t give up on me. I close up and push you away, but that’s when I need you the most. I just need you to be there if I need to talk, or just to hug me and remind me that it’s okay to feel the way I do, and that it will pass.”
- “That’s when I need the most help around the house and things… that’s when it means the most to me if you help me with the children when you come home from work too, or if you cook dinner/wash up afterwards, and allow me the time out that I need. Sometimes I just need a little bit of time to recharge and then I’m okay and can keep going. But if I’m not allowed that time, I will fall to pieces.”
All these are from real people, and I think I speak for us all when I say that really, we just need you to be there for us. Be patient, please. Don’t give up on us. Don’t push us away; instead, stay close, and say you’ll be there for us all the way through and will be ready to listen when we are ready to talk, tell us it’s okay, remind us we have purpose and that this will pass. We will be okay in the end. And if we’re not okay, then it isn’t the end. We just need your love and patience.
It can be exhausting and difficult to help someone as they go through times like these. If you’re struggling from being “unloaded” onto by someone talking to you a lot, please seek help yourself. It’s not wrong to speak to someone close who you trust, or a pastor or counsellor, because you need to look after yourself through this. I feel like I can’t stress that enough. If you don’t, you’ll end up being dragged down yourself and that’s the last thing that should be happening. You can only do so much, remember that. And if you have very serious concerns for someone who may be hurting themselves or is suicidal, seek medical help, and if necessary, call 000, or the emergency number in your country. Below are some other support phone numbers and websites that you may find helpful. Please don’t hesitate if you think it is necessary – that is what they are there for, and truly, they will be glad that you sought help!
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Suicide prevention telephone hotline funded by the U.S. government. Provides free, 24-hour assistance. 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Samaritans UK – 24-hour suicide support for people in the UK and Ireland call 116 123. (Samaritans)
Lifeline Australia – 24-hour suicide crisis support service at 13 11 14. (Lifeline Australia)
Crisis Centers Across Canada – Locate suicide crisis centers in Canada by province. (Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention)
Vandrevala Foundation Tel: 1860-266-2345 Mental health helpline open 24/7, India
www.aware.ie Tel: 1800 80 48 48, Aware (Depression, Bi-Polar Disorder & Anxiety), Ireland
IASP – Find crisis centers and helplines around the world. (International Association for Suicide Prevention).
International Suicide Hotlines – Find a helpline in different countries around the world.
I just want to leave you with two requests: please be patient with us, and please take care of yourself too. Those are the best things that you can do. Stay strong, and keep loving. And remember, we really do love you, even if we don’t always show it!
Julie xo
Thank you to the beautiful people who shared with me what they wanted their loved ones to know, or what they needed to hear when going through a tough time. You are all such beautiful people, and I am so proud of you. xx