It was raining again. The rainy days were always the ones where she did a lot of thinking, contemplating, pondering, wondering. Today was one of those in particular. She had been thinking a lot about feelings… again. What a surprise.
Things over the past week had actually begun to level out again, and it had taken her a while to realise that. It was strange, she thought, how one has to keep getting used to these weird feelings over and over again… She had been okay, and was settling back in to life and everything was beautiful. Then she relapsed. Everything had come crashing back down around her all over again. Anxiety had gripped her constantly since then, and she had begun to feel low, flat, and so very tired of it all again. But… then somehow… things began to smooth out. One day she didn’t feel so low. She didn’t feel like going to work was too much. She felt the “normality” of life returning. And it was strange.
But then something told her, “it’s okay to feel”. She hadn’t been feeling. She had been overwhelmed by life and everything, and was numb to so many things and emotions and feelings. Not a good thing. Often, people (including herself) used the phrase “It’s okay not to be okay”. And it is! We have feelings and emotions and sometimes these all get the better of us, and we do need to remember that it IS okay to not be okay. It IS okay to need help and support, to lean on others, and to hurt. This is true, but when the pain lessens, one has to get used to “feeling okay” all over again. This was something she really struggled with. But. “It’s okay to feel”. “It’s okay to be okay”. Your pain doesn’t define you, she told herself. It isn’t who you are, she told herself.
So, she realised, it was time to get used to feeling okay again. She thought it was strange, because she didn’t feel great, but she didn’t feel awful either. It was just a mediocre okay feeling. Maybe it was the medication she was on, it didn’t let her get low enough to feel low, it just let her get down to a certain level and no lower. Or maybe she was getting better again? But that brought in so many more thoughts… how long would it last? Was she really better? Was she going to relapse again? Would she hurt like before, all over again? The thought of plummeting down so low again was almost too much to bear… she knew she couldn’t face that again. So, she accepted it. It was like acknowledging the pain, and saying I see you, and letting it play its course, and then moving on. She accepted the okay feeling. It was a good thing, right?
“Hello there, okay feeling. I see you. I acknowledge you, but I am afraid to let go of the hurt and to take a hold of you,” she said. “I have just got used to this constant hurt again… won’t you end up just hurting me if I accept you?”
“You won’t know until you try,” the voice said back to her. “But I don’t want to hurt you. I am here to help you feel okay. To help you know that it is okay to be okay. Because, in the end, you will be okay… this is your journey to healing, and I am here to be a part of that.”
She hesitated. She was living in a mediocre okayish feeling… just going through the motions… day in, day out… she knew she had to choose one thing or the other: let go and fall backwards again, or take hold, and pull herself up out of the ditch. She chose the latter. It was time again. Time to accept where she was, and how she was feeling.
The ups and the downs are all part of the healing process. If you’re hurting, don’t give up. You are closer today to healing than you were yesterday! <3
It is not an easy process. It isn’t fast. It doesn’t happen overnight, or in a week, or maybe not even in a month. But it will happen.
But just know… It’s okay to BE OKAY. It’s okay to FEEL. You may be confused, and you might have just accepted and got used to the hurt again, when that strange okay feeling decided to return. It can be exhausting being okay one day and not the next, but it is all part of the journey. Just know you can get through this. You don’t have to stay in the ditch, you don’t have to stay in pain. When the okay feeling comes, accept it. Take hold. Let go of the darkness – don’t be afraid of it coming back. Instead, hold on to the light. Focus on the light. Focus on the healing. Know that you are doing better. You have the strength to get through this. You might have been feeling pain and heartache, but that doesn’t have to last forever. Let yourself feel the peace. Embrace it. Embrace God’s love and grace. You’ll be okay. And it’s okay to be.
In the end, we will all be okay. And if it’s not okay? It’s not the end.
