I had an interesting conversation with someone recently about the difference between ‘being kind’, and ‘being nice’. As a passing thought, we often put both those things in the same box; for example, we tell our children to be nice and to play nicely, and even as adults, we are expected to be nice to everybody because that’s what is socially acceptable.
Don’t get me wrong – being nice can be good, but I believe being kind is even better.
The definition of being nice is to be pleasant and good natured, giving pleasure or satisfaction. A nice person is polite, has agreeable social construct, gives and receives temporary approval, and is often motivated by a desire to please. Niceness is passive, and is often superficial.
The definition of being kind is to be caring, considerate, having compassion, and being driven by genuine love, care, and concern. A kind person is thoughtful, considers the needs of others, and does what is right even when it is difficult, and acts in the best interest of those involved. Kindness is active, authentic, and real.
Why is this an issue you might ask? Requiring everyone to fit into the box of ‘niceness’ loses a chance to show real love for others, and authenticity of self. People hide the truth to keep the peace, children give a loved toy that belongs to them to prevent a tantrum, lack of boundaries becomes a problem, people grow more and more entitled, and everyone becomes fake, simply to try and keep the niceness going. People who are chronic people pleasers are forever caught in the exhausting circle of maintaining their ‘standard’ of niceness to keep other people happy. Children fight and are told to ‘be nice to each other’, which results in sullen apologies and begrudging sharing. Connections start to fail. Genuine relationships are lost.
But what would happen if we lived in a society where people were actually kind? Kindness is the ability speak genuinely, with clarity and with care, and actively working towards the greater good. Imagine if we encouraged our children to be kind, and we actually demonstrated what that means. Imagine if we spoke the honest truth to one another out of a genuine love and care for them, instead of trying to maintain a facade of smiles, flowers, and sunshiney days. There could be healthy relationships with true connections. People would be willing to do more good deeds even in silence, because they would be striving to do what is right, as opposed to doing what gains approval. There would be more of a focus on the truth, because there would be no falsifying words to keep a nice, peaceful atmosphere. People would be honest, fair, and just.
If we would take a moment to learn from Jesus, we would realise there is so much more power in being kind instead of being nice. Jesus was not ‘nice’. He was not superficial, and His motivation was not self. Jesus was kind, just, and good. Niceness isn’t what takes someone to an agonising death on a cross – no, that’s the most pure, beautiful, and genuine love and kindness to ever exist.
We are told to love our enemies. Do good to those who hate us. We were given the perfect example.
“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?” – Micah 6:8
We are inherently selfish beings, and kindness does not come naturally to us. We don’t have to teach children how to do what is wrong, we have to teach them how to do what is right. Kindness can be difficult, it can even be uncomfortable, but it is a choice we can make every single day. How will I treat this person? How can I be just, kind, and work towards the greater good? How about we rephrase “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything”, to “If you can’t say something kind, don’t say anything”.
I’m not saying to use this as an excuse to just not be nice, because being nice still has a time and place (imagine if people working in customer service weren’t nice!), and niceness is sometimes still what people need. But if you look at people from a place of kindness and compassion in your heart, you will see things in a different light. We are all just broken humans doing our best in a broken world, all in dire need of love.
Kindness isn’t always nice, but it is always good. Kindness is love. Kindness is authentic. Kindness is deliberate.