Dearest Friend,
Some days really are better than others. For me at the moment, there are a lot of days that are better than the ones in the present. And there are some things you need to know.
I understand that you are one of many people who go through life having no idea what it is to feel depressed or to experience anxiety. And that’s okay too. But for those of us who do, it can be incredibly difficult to explain what’s going on in our minds, but it’s also difficult for you to understand us.
Yes, it’s okay to not feel okay. I mean, hey. It’s not alright that people have to go through this, that fact is just awful. But this is to you, my friend, who doesn’t know what it’s like, and I ask you to take a moment to read just four things that we struggling people really want to tell you.
We need you. Yes, sometimes we brush you away or seem to freeze you out, and we may even lie to you about feeling okay. But that’s not what we want to do. You see, more than anything, we just need you to be there and support us.
If you know someone who goes through dark times, please, go the extra mile for them… a phone call or a text message, even a tag on a meme, something small in the post, if you see something that reminds you of them, tell them! A little pick me up by knowing we mean something to someone can make so much difference to our day or even the whole week.
In addition to needing you, we need your support. If we have made a mental health plan with the doctor, or speak with a psychiatrist/psychologist, if we choose to seek natural remedies or if we choose to take medication, we really need you to support us. These are horrendous decisions to have to make, and if you make us second guess ourselves, this drives us into overthinking and self-doubt and the decision-making process has to start all over again. We need you, we need your support, and we need you to help us to believe in ourselves.
Take us seriously, please. This is a huge thing for me, and I know it is for others too. I cannot stress it enough that people with depression need you to take them seriously. If someone actually tells you that they’re struggling, or you know that they tend to be up and down at times, you need to take that very seriously. We don’t open up to just anyone, so if we opened up to you at any point, that took a lot of courage, spent a lot of fear and energy, and means that you are someone who means a lot to us. You mean enough to us that we love you and trust you with something huge and dark, and that isn’t something to take lightly. You might be a person who likes to make light of situations, simply because you think it will help us if we just “look on the bright side” or have a laugh to cheer us up. You beautiful soul, I know you mean well and I love you. But please understand… that isn’t how this works. This isn’t something we can simply snap out of or are able to control. If you happen to try that tactic and it doesn’t work, step back for a second and realise that “cheering up” isn’t what is needed at that moment. It’s a caring heart, a listening ear, someone who will be understanding and not make our situation a joke. Ask what’s wrong, then really listen. If you really can’t help, just remind them how much you love them and that you are there for them. Just love, reassure and remember that this is actually a sickness, a health problem, not something to make light of, and whether you understand it or not, it is REAL.
There isn’t always a reason we feel depressed… this isn’t just sadness. Yes, sometimes there are triggers; a hard day at work, a fight with a friend, loss of a loved one, or just regular life stresses. But no, this is not always the case. As hard as it is for you to understand (it’s hard for us too!), there is not always a reason for the darkness to come back. Depression is an illness. Can you control when you get a cold or flu? Can you control chronic pain? Asthma? Of course not. We can’t control what’s going on in our minds either. Because it’s an illness. Of course, we want to! Don’t think for a moment that we don’t wish we could be free from all of this darkness and simply feel normal! Some people recover, some people do not. But it’s not something that just happens; we don’t wake up one morning suddenly “better”. Please just understand that this is actually an illness and it can affect absolutely anyone. We didn’t choose this, it just happened.
We feel alone, and we can’t reach out; we need you to check in on us. Maybe you’re a spouse, parent, or a family member of someone who struggles, and you just don’t understand what they are feeling. Maybe you are a friend, a support person, who promised to be there for your struggling friend. But what I’m saying is, if you said you’d be there, we really need you to be there. We can’t open up to just anyone. If we trust you, then we need you.
If we ever opened up to you, it was a cry for help. If we tell you we are not okay, it is a cry for help. We made the first big step by telling you. So now, sometimes, we just need you to check in on us. Even if you are busy and don’t have the time for a huge conversation, just shoot a message: “Hey! I hope you’re okay… I’m thinking of you and I love you, things have been crazy for me but you’re still on my mind, I’m saying a prayer for you today <3”. You may promise to be there for us, that we can call or message you, day or night, and that means the world to us. However, we can’t always do that. IF we do, (and that’s a very big if) it takes every ounce of strength, and we have probably thought about it for at least three hours or more before we do it. But honestly, a lot of the time we just can’t. What stops us? Probably mostly fear; fear of opening up, fear of annoying you, fear of driving you away, fear of seeming “needy”, fear of someone knowing of our darkness, fear of making it real by speaking it, fear of facing our fears, fear of seeming pathetic… countless things. We know you love us, but we need constant reminding. We are insecure about our own feelings, so how do you think we feel about yours?? Even more insecure, of course. So please… check in. We need you to ask.
My dear friend, I love you. More than anything. If you are “one of my people”, you mean the world to me. I know people who struggle with their mental health can come across as needy and clingy, and we possibly frustrate you, but man. If you are/have been one of my support people and have actually stayed by my side, you are one of the most incredible people in the world. I love you and I pray to God that I will never lose you because that would break me. I know I put you through drama and I am so sorry if I have caused you pain. I just hope that I can be there for you too when you need someone. You mean so much to me, and I so badly want to be the friend to you that you are to me.
One last thing I want to leave you with before I sign off. I know you don’t understand these crazy feelings and how it is to feel so horribly depressed and anxious. But the thing is, I don’t want you to understand. I don’t ever want you to experience this or feel what it is like. I just need you to know how I feel, love me for who I am and be there without trying to “fix” what isn’t exactly “fixable”. The best thing you can do for me is to just be there. Be there, be a friend, be a listener, be kind, and love me. I just need you to be there. See through me. Say “I got you” when I feel like I’m falling apart. You don’t need to understand what I am feeling. You just need to know.
Thank you for reading this. Thank you for trying. And thank you for loving me, regardless of my mind and my flaws.
I love you, always.
~ Your depressed friend. x
“Trying to explain depression to someone who doesn’t understand, is like trying to explain colours to a blind person. But it means that you don’t have to go through this hell, and that makes me so, so glad, for your sake. I pray that you will never know it. I love you.”
~ Julie xo
[Images sourced from Pinterest (Whisper) and Google Images]