…to someone with a mental illness.
‘Just look on the bright side!’
‘It’s not as bad as you think it is!’
‘If you just focus on the positives, you’ll feel better.’
‘Your life is wonderful, you don’t need to be depressed!’
We’ve all heard them, and a lot of us have even said them. But you know what? These things don’t help (believe it or not)! I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again; people like us, we can’t just look on the bright side to feel better. If it were that simple, who would need antidepressants? Therapists would be out of a job, and we would all be ‘okay’! Here are a few reasons why you really shouldn’t tell someone with a mental illness (or even someone who is seriously struggling with something) to just ‘look on the bright side’:
- We do. Really, we do. Do you think we enjoy feeling depressed, or feeling anxious? Do people actually like suffering from PTSD and experiencing difficulties in their lives? Of course not! We have so many things to be thankful for and don’t get me wrong – we are thankful! But you see, simply thinking on the positives doesn’t cure a legitimate mental illness. Yes, of course sometimes it can help us ‘pick up’ a little, lift spirits when we remember the beautiful and bright things. But you telling us to do that doesn’t actually help, because we already do just that.
- It makes us feel guilty. It sounds odd, but it really does make us feel bad. We feel like we ‘should’ simply be able to see the positives and just look on the bright side, and feel then okay. We want to feel okay! But sometimes, we just can’t. Please understand this. It hurts us and when we can’t snap out of it or can’t see the light in a dark depressive episode, we feel guilty that we aren’t able to. Please… don’t make us feel worse about it than we already do.
- It dismisses our problems. It makes us feel like you honestly don’t care. You may as well dismiss them with a ‘You’ll be fine’. Don’t you know that we need you to support us? To be there for us? If you just tell us to look at the positives and that life is wonderful we don’t need to be depressed, it comes across as though you mean our problems are nothing. They are invalid. Please don’t do that. If you want us to stay open with you, please take us seriously.
I regularly have people say to me to just look on the bright side, or they wonder how someone with a ‘good life’ can experience depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, it’s life. People can’t choose whether they get cancer or not, people can’t choose to have their eyes deteriorate so they need glasses. It’s the same thing – people can’t choose to have a mental illness. I didn’t choose this. Yes, it may seem pretty unfortunate, but that’s just how it is. Life isn’t fair, but it’s life and we are to make the best of what we are given. I do have a beautiful life with a husband who loves me (and who I absolutely adore) and a gorgeous son (for whom my love seems to grow daily), and I am content. I have joy in the Lord, I have some incredible friends whom I love beyond infinity, some of whom I couldn’t do life without. But this doesn’t change an illness, and that’s okay. It can just give me reasons to not give up. Reasons to stay. Reasons to push through the bad times. One day, things will be okay 🙂
If you’re struggling, don’t give up. Life can be beautiful, but it can’t get better if you aren’t here to see it. So please, stay. You matter.
If you’re supporting someone who is struggling, don’t give up on them. They need you (so much), and it might just be you that is keeping them alive. Make sure they know they are loved and that their feelings are valid. Just be there and love (lots) 🙂
Julie xo
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